Who Am I and Why Am I Here?


To answer that question simply: I don’t really know anymore.

When I started this blog, I had come out of a long period of not writing. In a sense, I was missing the Muse (hence the title of the blog). I needed to write and I needed to vent. This blog was a personal outlet for me and I wrote an entry almost every day.

If you look at my first post, A Tiger Can’t Change Its Stripes, you’ll see that it was very personal.

At some point, I switched from this being a personal blog to being part of my professional online image. This narrowed down the things that I would talk about as I avoided discussing major events in my personal life. And now I’m at the point where I hardly post anything at all. That makes we wonder what is even the point of keeping my blog around.

I joined a Blogging 101 class through WordPress, and today’s assignment was to write a post talking about who I am and why I am here. In essence, why do I have this blog. The truth is, I don’t know anymore. My writing career is unfortunately on the back burner at the moment, so there isn’t much for me to promote.

Perhaps if I make this a personal blog for me to vent again, then maybe I’ll actually have something to write about.

So here is the tale of the events that have transpired since I stopped writing personal things on this blog. This is what has happened that got me to the situation that I am in now.

Almost two years ago, I was living in Alabama with my wife and our son. I was building my freelance writing career and actually had some good work coming in. My wife was serving at a restaurant. Combined, we were actually starting to save some money.

Everything was going well until I learned of my wife’s infidelity. That was not a fun night.

wicked witchThe house we were staying in actually belongs to my wife’s mother (the wicked witch of the West). The next day, while I’m still wrapping my head around the things that I had discovered, I found out that my wife had told her mother what had happened, and that we would all have to move back to Illinois with our respective parents.

So not only did I lose my wife, but I also lost the place I considered home for the past eight months. Double whammy.

I moved in with my parents in Illinois. She moved in with hers. Luckily, our houses are only a few blocks away. It makes it easy to see my son, Lincoln, as much as I want (typically every day).

When I had first returned, I was mopey for a long time. For a good example, read the poetry that I wrote during National Poetry Writing Month (April 2014), because that took place right after these events. Here’s a good one.

For a while, I was still trying to build my freelance writing career. But it was difficult without my wife’s income to supplement things while I got things rolling. So in July 2014, I gave in and I sold out. I got a part-time job at a retail store. It was just supposed to be a temporary thing until my writing career kicked into full swing. One and a half years later, and I’m still at this soul-sucking job, making close to minimum wage.

In November 2014, I completed NaNoWriMo. It was great to get back to creative writing and tell the stories that I wanted to tell. It got me thinking about a career as an author or a publisher. For a while after NaNoWriMo, I was still writing the first draft of my novel. In 2015, my novel was placed on the back burner while I focused on editing the anthology, Voices from the Dark. By the time the anthology was finished, I was enrolled in school.

Feeling a little stuck in my current situation (living with my mom and not earning enough money to move out), I decided that going back to school could help me find a better job. I have an associate degree, but am now working toward a bachelor’s degree in writing and publishing.

So here I am almost two years after I learned on my wife’s infidelity. The divorce is almost finalized. I’m still living with my mom (and feeling like I’m wearing out my welcome), I work part-time at a soul sucking retail store, I have to turn down potential writing clients because I’m swamped with schoolwork, and I don’t remember the last time I worked on my novel. Between work, school, and spending as much time as I can with my son, I am so stressed out. I even started smoking again, something I keep telling myself is only temporary.

The truth is, I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped, like there’s no way out of my situation. Going back to school might help me in the future, but right now it’s taking time away from searching for a new job or working on writing projects (paid or personal).

Oh, and to top it all off, as soon as I hit 30, I developed a bald spot. So I have that going for me, too.

So there you go, this is the first personal post that I have written in a long time. It feels good to vent again. Maybe I’ll keep it up. Maybe I won’t. I really don’t know. I don’t know what the point of this blog is anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I just don’t know anything anymore. The sad part is that I’m so worn down by everything that I don’t even really care anymore.

Sorry if it’s getting depressing now. Maybe that’s why I’ve shied away from personal posts. But to all my readers (if I have any left), now you know what’s going on with me. This was a very real post. Now you know my situation. A situation that I’ve been in for almost two years, and don’t know how to get out of.

Also, I hope you can see that with everything I have going on, why I haven’t been posting that often. Maybe I will post more now that I’ve re-opened this up to personal stuff. Maybe I won’t. I’ve got a lot of other things going on right now, and I’m just not sure where this blog even fits in anymore.

Anyway, sorry for venting at you. Or perhaps, thank you for reading.

That is all.

15 comments

  1. Venting can be pretty liberating. We’ve all have our ups and downs, why not blog about it?
    This blog post title is a good start. “Who am I?” – this is not about your age or your looks, this is about your abilities, your take on things, your dreams, etc. Embracing change is something we all should learn. It took me a while to not fear change. Change means new opportunities.
    Writers are humans who love to write, why not show it by writing personal blog posts as well…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, I only started following you at the end of your past two years, but I have to say – I have looked forward to every post you did write and always clicked it in my reader (not so with other blogs). Reading this post reminded me why I click on them, because you can write, and you can write well. Even when it’s something like this, personal and off-the-cuff…I’m jealous at the ease in which it seems to be written.

    I’d be sad to see you go but understand why. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up my blog, especially since I’ve started my own business. I’m going to have a baby soon and I wonder if this blog will keep thriving or if it will, instead, shrivel like a wilted flower with no water. But I know I’ll keep it here because I’ve come to love the small community of people I’ve “met”. I like that I can put a post out and ask for opinions and people will genuinely give them. Sometimes I get a lot, sometimes a little, but I like it.

    Another reason I keep it is because I need this outlet. I don’t have many people that I can chat with Star Wars about and though some people make fun of me for having a Star Wars blog (“How can you only write about Star Wars all the time?”), I love that I sometimes have posts full and full of comments and discourse about topics that catch people’s attention.

    I’m sorry for the rough two years you’ve had. I think one of the reasons I do my “year end reviews” (the only time I ever post about personal matters) on my blog is to reflect on the good and the bad. Because sometimes it all seems bad, but really, there could be a lot of good. Just the fact that you are going to a blogging 101 class says something. Maybe you want to start blogging again for personal reasons, not business/freelance reasons. You’re working towards a bachelors degree in a field that you will enjoy…that’s a big deal too! You are taking the right steps to take your life to a place where you want it to be.

    Anyway, sorry for the rambling comment. May the Force be with you and I hope to see you again!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I sincerely appreciate everything that you have just written. It means a lot to me.

      I don’t think I’m going to stop blogging. I think right now my issue is that I’m not sure where the blog is going or what its purpose is. Perhaps its purpose is for me to vent. In a way, that’s why I started it. To simultaneously vent while writing something that people will actually read.

      Congrats on the upcoming baby! I’m sure you’ll have a lot to write about as you introduce the child to Star Wars. What is this business that you’ve started? I hope that you’ll decide to hang in there with the blog as well.

      Thank you again for your kind words. 🙂 May the Force be with you!

      Like

      • I struggled with the purpose of my blog as well. I mean, I knew I wanted it to be about Star Wars, but there are so many blogs out there about Star Wars…how do I make mine different?

        In the beginning, I tried to do what everyone else did. I posted reviews on The Clone Wars, found stylish Star Wars merchandise and posted about it, posted about the latest news, etc. Then I realized that all I hated writing those posts and I only did them because I felt like I had to. Once I started focusing on writing random posts that were more about my thoughts and discussions, I started loving it. I realized I didn’t care if it didn’t get tons of hits, as long as I had a small group of people who’d be interested in participating in the same discussions as I do. I’ve had people come and go on the comments, but it doesn’t matter so much to me because I enjoy it more this way. I no longer post reviews on every single episode of Rebels, but i will occasionally bring up something if it sparks my interest. When I found that my purpose was just thoughts/discussions about mainly the movies, it became easier and fun.

        Sometimes you have to explore a bit to find out what you don’t like versus what you do.

        My business/alternate life is as a Virtual Assistant. You can see it here: http://www.dependableva.com. I enjoy it. Some days I’m swamped and overwhelmed (like yesterday) and other days I can kick back and relax. I work out of my house which is convenient and sometimes create my own schedule, though most of the time I still work 8-4 or 8-5pm. I’m getting a little stressed trying to figure out how I’m going to manage with a baby on board. I don’t want to lose clients (ie less money) but am wondering if I’ll be able to handle it all again. These are the moments where I think “I bet Rey would be able to do this,” lol, and it kind of gets me through. So I guess I’ll kind of play it be ear and see what happens.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Write what you want to write about. That’s the best decision. And it seems like it’s working out well for you. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I don’t know what to write about because I don’t know what I want to write about. What hasn’t already been said?
        Your website looks very professional. I’m impressed. Virtual assistant sounds like a good idea.

        Good luck with the business and the baby. Or rather, may the Force be with you!

        Liked by 1 person

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